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MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional ...
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed
a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl
with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep
up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never
settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted
with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her
feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was
so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now over 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
MANAGEMENT LESSONS
MANAGEMENT LESSONS -1
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit
and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
MANAGEMENT LESSONS -2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top
of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey
out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you
there.
MANAGEMENT LESSONS -3
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about
and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the
Boss
because we do all the work and earn all the money.
"And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up
and
refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the
brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be
the
Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work
while
the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will
do.
MANAGEMENT LESSONS -4
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the
pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually
thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing
cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the
cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out
and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. Their final test
was for them to line up nude, with a bell tied to their
privates. A nude woman was to
dance in front of each one of them and if their
bell rang they could not
be ordained because they had not reached a state
of purity.
The woman danced before the first monk
candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same
response, until she got to the
final monk. As she danced, his bell began
ringing and rang so loudly it
fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell,
and all the other bells started ringing.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy
is amazed that the dog is playing poker.
"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has
a good hand he wags his tail."
Seventy-five percent of your body heat is lost through the
top of your head. Which sounds like you could go skiing
naked if you got a good hat.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about
it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
because I am
wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one
turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed
in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up
and yells at me
for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously
taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up the
steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my
hands on my wife's
rump and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends she's
asleep.
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book
to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in
your life, but you never did anything really good either. If
you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified
young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
ANOTHER JOHNNY STORY
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs on time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
a flight engineer in Desert Storm & her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun &
a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break & then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty
more with the machete till the blade broke & then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig
and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said,
"I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the
straw pig in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down!" And he did!
The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're
scared!!! "So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow
your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the
stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called
a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch
limo drove up.
Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge
pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living
shit out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the
wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and
drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig,
"Who the hell were those guys?
And the brick pig said ""Oh, those are my cousins...
the Guinea Pigs.
Subject: Thought this might help you all understand me betta
For the non-Bostonians maybe this will help you understand us
better.
Only Bostonians or formers can appreciate.
You might be a Bostonian (or former) if....
1. You think of Philadelphia as the "deep south."
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in
traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtic hall of famers.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry
frenzy.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You know the significance of 1918.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're
visiting
are all whacked.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from the game 6 of
the
1986
world series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone
else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, spasmatic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want
something or
are
from out of town.
18. You think $15 to park is a bargain.
19. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
20. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
If you're from Boston:
1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and
what the
blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the
summer.
2. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at
the
packie.
Herewith, a survival guide to Bawstin:
How we tok:
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over
here from
East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad
A and
the
dropped R, which we add to words ending in A (pahster, Cuber,
soder).
For the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the
docta
says.
So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to talk like the
mayah, repeat
after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah. "
When we say: \We mean:...
bzah\odd
flahwiz\roses, etc.
hahpahst\30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya?\How are you?
khakis\what we staht the cah with
pissa\superb
retahded\silly
shuah\of course
wikkid\extremely
yiz\you, plural
How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You pronounce it "Worchester."
You walk the Freedom Trail.
You call it "Copely" Square.
You go to BU.
Getting around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century
landfill
penned in by water. You know, "One if byland, two if by sea."
Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah.
And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three
Warren
Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren
Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on
School
Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no
water on
Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley,
Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar),
you're
on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in
Wellesley.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
Readville
doesn't exist.
The North-East-South-West thing:
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. The
North End
is east of the West End. The West End is no more. A guy named
Rappaport
got rid of it one night. Eastie is East Boston. The East End is
Boston
Harbor.
About our "cuisine":
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's
tonic.
When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you
paid more
than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out,
heat it,
and eat it with baked beans.
They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the
ninth
century.
Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that.
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses,
two
Hancock
buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston
Latin
Academy. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots.'
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
Never mention Bill Buckner's name.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
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RED SOCKS
BOSTON.COM
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